[9] Purple Tuesday – How rituals can transform loss into inspiration

Today is deeply meaningful for me: it marks six years since my sister Kristin passed away and celebrates my son Theo’s second birthday. In this post, I reflect on the transformative power of rituals in honoring those I’ve lost.

After college, my first role at NYL was in the Sleepy Hollow office. Like many of my fellow actuarial students, I lived in NYC and took a reverse-commute train to work. Among this group was Linzi, a fashion-forward friend who joked that we needed to avoid matching outfits. Together, we agreed on a daily color system, most notably that purple was reserved for Tuesday.

Three years later, Linzi passed away after a brief battle with cancer. To honor her memory, many of us began wearing purple every Tuesday. More than 11 years later, I haven’t stopped.

The broader application is that rituals can help us grow by transforming loss into an empowering part of our identity. We don’t do enough to normalize grief or recognize this power. In “The Ritual Effect”, Michael Norton explains how mourning rituals go beyond coping with grief by focusing on remembering and memorializing. “The world spins on”, he says, ”but we make the decision to stop. To linger. To remember. To honor.” I embraced Purple Tuesday again three years later when my best friend’s wife Lucy passed away, and even more deeply two years after that when I lost Kristin.

Honoring Linzi, Lucy, and Kristin has meant leaning on my support network to share in grief and using those bonds to deepen my relationships. It has also forced me to confront my own mortality by committing to remember, reflect, and reshape how I live my life, knowing that others like me didn’t get that chance. It has been a conscious choice to transform tragedy into future meaning and enriching experiences.

Wearing purple has become my weekly reminder to stay grounded. It encourages me to slow down, focus on what truly matters, and surrender to what I cannot control. It reminds me to be kind and patient with others and with myself. Purple symbolizes the unwavering support I have from my family, friends, and colleagues, while also inspiring me to offer that same support to others navigating their own challenges. Above all, wearing purple reminds me that each day is a gift, one that not everyone gets. These reminders guide me towards positive actions, which is the best way I know to honor those I’ve lost.

As a parent, I want my son to know that part of his aunt and friends, whom he’ll never meet, lives on in his Papa. I want him to understand that in the face of tragedy, he’ll have a choice in how he carries his grief. I want him to see that loss can be a source of inspiration to drive him towards meaningful actions.

To anyone navigating grief, I encourage you to create a ritual to honor and remember those you’ve lost. By reclaiming your power from loss, you may discover a part of yourself that you never knew existed.

“And I wake with your memory over me
That’s a real lasting legacy, legacy (it was maroon)
And I wake with your memory over me
That’s a real lasting legacy to leave”
Taylor Swift – “Maroon”